Wormtail's Question
by disny07
Summary: On a beautiful day at Hogwarts, Wormtail asks the other Marauders a personal question. Hilarity, and extreme terror, ensues.    Total crack. No slash. Read at own risk. Possible mental scarring. Cuz my, my friend's, and the Marauder's brains are scarred.


Wormtail saw his friends in their usual spot under the tree, doing the usual things. Lupin was reading his second hand copy of Fantastic Beasts and where to find them, and Sirius was doing all he could to distract him. James was being his usual dazzling self. Girls mooned over them in the distance, hidden behind various bushes and stones. Snape and Lily sat by the lake, working on homework. Snape occasionally looked up at the Marauders in disgust, but Lily simply ignored the display.

Wormtail was both ecstatic and petrified. He was in love! Or at least… he liked someone. And this time, for the first time ever, the girl actually liked him back! He couldn't believe his luck. He didn't even have to confund her or anything! But there was something that was worrying him, and he didn't know what to do. After giving it a great deal of thought, he decided he had to ask his friends for information.

Taking a deep breath, he marched over to where they were sitting. Sirius had managed to steal Lupin's book and was laughing over the description about werewolves. Lupin and James looked up at their approaching friend, semi-happy to see him.

"Hi guys," Wormtail greeted meekly. Sirius continued flipping through the book, deciding he actually liked it.

"Hey Wormtail," James replied, deciding to be nice. Noticing his friend was trembling, he asked, "are you alright? You look… kinda sick."

Wormtail nodded, and noticed he actually was starting to feel sick. "I'm fine. I… I have to ask you guys something."

"What is it Wormtail?" Lupin asked as he stood up. James followed suit. While Wormtail annoyed them, they did like him. Most of the time. Something was wrong, and they were worried. Even Sirius put the book down and seemed mildly concerned.

Wormtail was regretting his decision to ask them. But it was too late to back down. All three of them were staring expectantly, waiting to hear the question. So, he slowly began, "…how… how long does it take for men to grow a condom?"

James and Sirius just stared at him in total shock. Lupin simply refused to believe he heard that right.

"Come again?" James questioned. He glanced over at the other two. They refused to make eye contact. If they did, all three would burst into hysterics.

"How long does it take for men to grow a condom? I… I'm ready to have sex but I keep hearing that… for safe sex… you need a condom." Wormtail continued, worried he had asked something wrong. He had assumed if anyone would know anything about sex, it would be his best friends. They were the most popular boys at school, and were in no short supply of attractive women fawning over them.

"I looked at my... well, you know… and it's the same. When do I grow the condom so I can have sex?" He finally finished. He stared anxiously at the three of them, waiting to see what they had to say.

The three remained silent, thinking about how to reply. Lupin, being the nice guy he was, decided to inform Wormtail of his mistake- that condoms were not "grown" but "bought". Before he could say anything though, Sirius responded,

"I was born with my condom… so something must be wrong with you."

Lupin gave an exasperated sigh, but couldn't help being amused. James did all he could not to laugh out loud at the ludicrous statement. Wormtail's hopeful eyes dimmed. He actually believed Sirius.

"You are born with one? But… I wasn't. Does that mean…?"

"Yup!" James exclaimed, continuing the lie. "I guess you can't have sex. I was born with a condom too. Sorry mate, you need to go to St. Mungo's or something and talk to a healer."

"They might be able to help," Sirius cut in, "but it's doubtful. Almost every man is born with one. If you weren't, it's usually a sign of being cursed. As far as I know, it's pretty dark magic. I've never heard of a healer curing it."

Wormtail was horrified. He was cursed! He didn't have a condom! And he would never have sex! Before he could stop himself, he burst into tears. Not wanting to face his friends any longer, he ran off as fast as he could go back into the school. James and Sirius collapsed on the ground, unable to breathe. This was even funnier than when they managed to nick Lucius Malfoy's prefect badge and edit it, to the amusement of everyone except the Slytherins.

"Are you happy now?" Lupin asked, putting on his stern face. "He was crying. He is utterly convinced that there is something wrong with him! You should be ashamed of yourselves." Lupin stared down at them, trying to make them feel the slightest bit guilty. However, Sirius somehow managed to retort through his hysterics,

"We did what was best for the world, Moony! When he asked about the condoms, what else did he say? Do you remember? He said he was ready for sex. Think about it! Wormtail. Sex. Wormtail and sex. The two go together about as well as You Know Who at a muggle convention! Wormtail having sex. It's wrong. It's disgusting. It should never happen. Ever. We provided a vital service to society. If anything, we should be rewarded."

James nodded his head vigorously in support. Lupin stared ahead, a look of pure horror upon his face. Finally, after saying nothing for what seemed like hours, he began to walk away.

"Where are you going?" James called after him.

Lupin slowly turned around and whispered, "I am going to the hospital wing and having my memory erased. The mental image… it's horrible. All I can think is Wormtail… having…"He couldn't even finish his thought. With that, he continued his march to the castle.

James and Sirius turned to each other, with looks similar to the one Lupin had. In an unspoken agreement, they both nodded their heads, got up, and ran after Lupin in terror.

Snape didn't know what was going on. All he saw was the looks of pain and agony of the faces of his greatest rivals. And it made him happy. Very happy. Chuckling to himself, he returned to his homework with glee.

* * *

_I don't know. Ok? I DO NOT KNOW. First of all, I have been Potter obsessed lately. I have just reread the whole series. I love it to bits. Second, I had discovered on Epicfail this exact sort of conversation. My friend Sarah and I discussed this in great detail because it amused us to no end. In a stroke of pure insanity, after talking about both subjects one right after the other… we accidentally merged them. I got to thinking, the boy asking the question is totally Wormtail. James and Sirius would NEVER let him live it down. The rest is what you read above. I am sorry._

_I don't even know if wizards use condoms. Do they have magical contraceptives? Probably. It makes sense. JK Rowling never exactly got into detail about that. So, for all intents and purposes, magic condoms! Damn… that sounds **really** wrong._

_Happy Snape is happy._


End file.
